Start Again

threatening clouds

Uh oh.  We haven’t heard from Betsy in quite a while.  That can’t be good.  What in the world has been going on with her?  Has she fallen down a rabbit hole again?

Let’s see….

 

*Betsy sits alone in an empty room* *A Dark Voice echoes against the walls*

Food…spend…eat…you know you want to…

No. *Betsy shakes head to clear it*

One more time.  Trust me.  You’ll start again tomorrow.  You’ll be better tomorrow.  Play video games today.

No. *Betsy sounds less certain* I gave in yesterday, and the day before that, and, okay, maybe the day before that, but I won’t give in today.  I want to write.  I want to live.

Please.  You haven’t done anything for months. But that’s okay. You deserve a break.  You deserve to take it easy.  You’ve got a lot on your plate. Besides, you already screwed up today.  There’s no point in even trying to start something until tomorrow.

Well…

One more day. One more dollar. One more pastry.  What does it matter? You work hard. Aren’t you entitled to enjoy yourself?

Well…

And you WILL move forward. You’re just going to start tomorrow. What’s wrong with that?  Take it easy.  Relax.

*Betsy frowns* That sounds wrong for some reason.

*The Voice laughs, silky and smooth*  You’re being too hard on yourself.  Besides, you need to be in the right frame of mind to start a project, don’t you? You’re just setting yourself up to fail otherwise, aren’t you?

But…

Cut yourself a break.  There’s a lot going on right now.  

Well, yeah, but I haven’t written anything in weeks, not even a newsletter or a blog post.

You’re just taking a well deserved rest. You finished your book and got it to the editor AND you have the next book plotted out and ready to go.  That’s fast for you.  You’re being too hard on yourself.

Maybe. *Betsy chews lip* It’s just that I haven’t been getting home early enough to do any work because I’ve been out running around. And then because I’ve been eating stupid at night, I don’t wake up early enough to work.  And even if I did wake up early enough, I can’t think or be creative because my brain and body are swimming in sugar and my head doesn’t work right.  That seems wrong.

But then by the afternoon you know food and eating and spending make you feel better and warm and fuzzy. You feel in control of yourself and your destiny.

But it’s a lie! *Betsy throws arms wide* I’m not in control.  You’re in control.

*Silence*

You’re in control, *Betsy repeats*  Not me

Really?  Who do you think I am?  *The Voice sneers*  Where do you think I come from?  I AM you, idiot.  I’m your reality.  I’m what you know to be a fact.  You know you’re just lying to yourself when you say you’ll move towards your goals.  You’ll never do it.  Never have.  Never will. You’ll always fall back.  You’ll never change.  You’re just fooling yourself.  Everyone will laugh at you. In fact, they’re laughing now.

*Betsy stares out at the gathering darkness* I’m afraid.

Of course you’re afraid.  *The Voice laughs* Might as well eat cake because who the hell cares?

But I care. *Betsy murmurs* Harry cares. Skipper cares. The Muse cares.

Yeah? *The Voice sound smug* You really think the Muse cares?  Haven’t heard her singing lately, have you?

Yes, I have.  *Betsy speaks slowly* Just now, in fact.  As I’ve been writing this blog post.

You’re writing a blog–

It’s like she’s been waiting for me to listen. And as soon as I gave her an opening, she was there.

You don’t–

You’re not my reality. *Betsy grimaces*  Or not my only reality.  The Muse lives inside me. Harry and Skipper do, too. I’m not alone with you. You are not everything I am.

That doesn’t mean anything. *The Voice sounds sulky* You listen to me more than you listen to any of them.

But they’re in me too. And all of my stories are in me, the ones I’ve written and the ones I haven’t. Maybe they’re not always good stories, but they’re mine and they’re inside me. And all of the people I write about are in me.  All of the characters.

I don’t see what this has to do with anything.

There’s so much more to me than just you, Voice. *Betsy sits straighter* I’ve chosen to listen to you.  But I don’t have to.

Oh come on.  *Voice sounds seductive*  Forget about this and have a danish. You know you want to. We can deal with all of this tomorrow. Just do what you want to do today. You deserve it.  Tomorrow you can start with a clean slate.

*Betsy stares at the walls of the room*  *Pictures start to appear*  *Colors*  I don’t have to be a victim.  Not of other people’s expectations.  Not of my own insecurity.  I don’t have to listen to you, Voice.  I can make other decisions.

Seriously. Lets go to the store and you can get a new toy or a book or something.  And we’ll get a sandwich. No biggee. You can start all of this improvement stuff tomorrow. Take time to get your head together first.

I can choose to be different. I don’t have to be the way I have been. I have the tools.  I have the talent.  I can be better than I was.  Better.  Stronger.  Faster.

Ahhhhhhh!

*Betsy draws in a breath*

I just have to be brave enough to be who I am.

Finally.  That took you long enough.

Muse?

Who else? Come on. We’ve got a lot of work to do.  It’s a nice day to start again.

 

To be continued…

 

longroad

 

Share

Speak Your Mind

*

Notify me of followup comments via e-mail. You can also subscribe without commenting.