Diabetes and Addiction

I have type 2 diabetes. I’ve had it for about 7 years. There was a point, soon after I was diagnosed, when I was able to control it with food and exercise. I lost pretty much weight. My a1c (the diabetes blood test) was pretty much normal. I was pretty arrogant about it. I always get arrogant when I lose weight (I’ve lost a LOT of weight three or four times in my life). I always think that I have the weight thing beaten. I always feel pretty full of myself. I always think that THIS time, it will be different. And I’m always wrong.

After a year or two of eating very strictly, I decided to let myself eat some of the things I had eaten before. What could it hurt? Hadn’t I been good? Didn’t I deserve it? Plus, I didn’t indulge all of the time. Just once in a while. Except that “once in a while” quickly came more and more and more frequently. And before I knew what was happening, all hell had broken lose.  Again.

I don’t know how to explain it, but when I’m in that unhealthy eating pattern, I don’t think about stopping. All I think about is the next fix. I don’t see what it’s doing to me – mentally, physically or emotionally. Listen to me – it just DOES NOT OCCUR to me that I need to stop eating the way I’m eating.

I gained all of the weight back – and then some. My a1c climbed higher and higher. Instead of feeling arrogant, I felt stupid and hopeless. That just made me want to eat more. Because, what the hell.

And here I am. Left with the consequences of my own actions in a body that has tried so very hard to deal with the crap I’ve poured into it.

Does this sound like addiction to you? It does to me.

There are some people – perhaps some people reading this – who will not agree. They will say that this unhealthy eating pattern is just a lack of willpower. They will say that I don’t want to stop. They will say that I’m indulgent and lazy and whining. It might be that they are correct, at least to a certain extent.

Part of the reason for all of this soul-searching is that I have a doctor appointment tomorrow and I’m nervous about what he’s going to say. Part is because I’m afraid of the consequences of my actions. But maybe part of the reason I’ve been thinking about this stuff is because I’m getting ready to accept that I’m an addict and sugar is my drug of choice.

Now all I have to do is change.

You might want to wish me luck.

Changing sucks.

Diabetes kills.

Guess I’m changing.

 

Share

Comments

  1. Changing sucks. Diabetes kills. Guess I’m changing. Sounds like it should be slogan and/or a t-shirt 😉 Good luck at the doctor!

  2. I so get what you are talking about been there done that. I don’t have the diabetes, but my husband does. Over eating and eating the wrong things have been a battle for both of us for a very long time.

    Good luck at the doctors! I will be thinking about you.

    • Betsy Horvath says:

      @Doris Jennings: Thanks, Doris! It’s just hard sometimes, isn’t it? And the hardest thing about diabetes is that it’s a silent killer – until it’s not. You can pretend for so long that you don’t have it. It’s easy to forget. *sigh*

  3. Margie Shepherd says:

    You have my support in any way you need it!! We want you to be around for a very loooong time! Changing sucks, so does being so ill you’re not fully able to enjoy your life, or worse… and those t-shirts sound like a good idea! I’m doing preventative (hopefully) maintenance on my eating habits as well and taking Autumn along for the ride. You know me and my chocolate! Hers is Root Beer. We can BEAT DiaBETEs! (another t-shirt perhaps?!?)♥u

Leave a Reply to Wendy Cancel reply

*

Notify me of followup comments via e-mail. You can also subscribe without commenting.